Give Me My Voice

[[ I wrote this piece at the beginning of March, leading up to International Women’s Day.  I had/have so much to say about this topic, I wrote this piece, yet didn’t feel confident enough to share it at the time (what an oxymoron).  Today, I feel the time is right!  Enjoy! ]]

Traditional beliefs leaving me in disbelief.
It’s 2020 and I’m utterly perplexed.
The patriarchy got me feeling turbulent.
Stormy, wild, angry, hostile.

Waves crashing, women drowning, voiceless, silent victims, mute suffering. Mute.
Sew a zipper on my mouth, tie my hands behind my back.
It might keep me silent for longer.  Restraint.
Wait?  Now you’re turned on with the bind I’m in?
Maybe I like it too, but don’t mistaken my thirst for consent.
I haven’t said yes, nor have I said no,
But that doesn’t mean yes.
Do not mistaken my silence for consent, it never has and never will mean YES!
How can I say anything with this closed zipper on my mouth,
The one you placed there thousands of years ago.

Waves crashing, women drowning, voiceless, silent victims, mute suffering.  Mute.
Give me my voice back you bastard society.
Stop the patriarchy.  I demand you, stop the exclusion, rather inclusion.
Don’t lock the ‘ex’ out, let her ‘in’.
We don’t want to be above, to win, to be on-top, to have power.
We simply want what you have, and to have it along with you, beside you.
We’ve wanted this for as long as societal existence.
We want equality,
We want a voice,
We want to regain power over our sexuality,
We want to be included,
We want to be asked,
We want to be treated fairly,
We want to be treated the same,
We just want a fucking chair at the table!  And we don’t need anyone to pull it out for us!

Waves crashing, women drowning, voiceless, silent victims, mute suffering.  Mute.
You want to keep your surname?  Well so do I!
You believe in legacy and family traditions?  Well so do I!
We want the same things.
If you just listened you’d know.  But in order to listen, we need our voices.
Undo the fucking zipper.
I just want to be heard, just like you want to be heard.

Waves crashing, women drowning, voiceless, silent victims, mute suffering.  Mute.
I want to walk down a street without fear, fear of being catcalled or harassed.
FEAR, always in FEAR!
Walking home with keys between my fingers,
Pretending to talk on the phone to my non-existent lover.
Trying not to appear vulnerable, like easy prey,
Is quite the impossible task,
When filled with trepidation,
I see you licking your lips and waiting for your prey.
Except, picture this… Just this once I want to be the Lion, the top of the food chain, in charge, leading, dominating.
Do you want to be the Antelope?
What makes you think we do?!

So I will ask you this once,
Undo my ties, release my hands,
So I can undo the zipper you’ve closed over my mouth for thousands of years,
And GIVE ME A VOICE!

Uncomfortable

Saturday 09/05/20

Hi there,

Things have been changing, restrictions have been softening, my mind has been on over drive… Here are few examples…

Things I’ve actually thought/said (to myself, aloud) of late…

1. I wonder if a parallel actually universe exists
2. I feel like a lava lamp
3. Close the light
4. Open the light
5. Is anxiety just a thing that everyone has to deal with in the 21st century?
6. I wonder if my psychologist sees a psychologist?
7. I wonder if a Gynaecologist gets asked work questions at social gatherings?
8. I wonder if the reason I can’t imagine myself beyond my thirties is because I die young
9. Does my subconscious mind hate me?
10. You’re such a pussy
11. KK, what did you even mean by “pussy”?
12. Omg am I the patriarchy?!
13. Why do we have toe nails?
14. Good morning KK, lets conquer the day!
15. Do fish have feelings?
16. If a fish wanted to commit suicide, would they just come up for air and never come back down?
17. I have never met someone who actually has a telescope
18. Why do women still feel the need to take their husbands surname? (but actually, I’m legitimately intrigued, I wanna hear peoples reasons/thoughts)
19. What’s the deal with wine glasses having a stem?
20. (Literally just googled the above, it has a very valid reason.  Smart.  *continues to ignore reason and hold wine glass by the bulb*)
21. I’m SO ready to go to pubs and socialise again
22. I’m SO NOT ready to go to pubs and socialise again

I’m going to detail a mini summary of the Australian Governments COVID-19 rule changes that have occurred over the past week (because, you know, if anyone reads this in the future – it’s good to know where the world was-at when I was contemplating the reason we have toe nails).  The government have announced as of Monday (11th May 2020) outdoor gatherings of ten people are allowed, indoor gatherings of five are allowed, elective surgeries can return but at only 25% capacity, Tasmanian National Parks (some) are re-opened as of Monday – but you may only go there to exercise and only use the ones that are accessible within a 30km radius of your home, every state/territory in Australia has it’s own rules, instate travel is still restricted to people with letters of exemption (essential workers), international travel is not recommended by any means.

This past week has been great in the fact that my work schedule is beginning to return to (somewhat) normality, so I’ve been busier work wise.  However, at the end of the day, when I’ve finally got some alone time (yay, time with my own mind *sigh*), it’s been uncomfortable.  Sometimes uncomfortable in a good way, sometimes uncomfortable in a bad way, sometimes uncomfortable in an irritating way, but definitely uncomfortable in an exhausting way.

Tonight, my quarantine nickname* is Reasoning Italian Wine.

* Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate out of the cupboard

Keeping safe and lonely,

Reasoning Italian Wine x

Girl Power, Feminism, Woman Proud

04/05/2020 Monday

Hi there,

I feel as though I should apologise for not having written in a ‘long time’.  But my apology is kind of ridiculous as a) I make the rules, this is MY blog and b) what even IS a ‘long time’.

Yes, isolation life has lead me to a reminiscing rampage/pondering life/reflecting spree, more so than usual, over this past week.  I’ve been delving deep into why I have the views I do… particularly on my strong ‘Female Power’, or as society refers to it ‘feminist’, views.  Growing up, obviously as a wee wee lass I never knew such a word existed, all I knew was that I was a girl, I got treated differently, I didn’t know why… and I HATED IT!

I remember, from a young age, being curious.  Very curious (mother could attest to this).  Curious of the outdoors, curious of my brothers toy cars, curious about tools during kindergarten play.  Much to my mother’s dismay, my barbie dolls remained in pristine condition… In their boxes.  As a child I’d rather have been outside; running barefoot with unruly black buttock length hair, disturbing my brother and the nature around me, bounding on the trampoline trying to peak over and spy on the boy’s next-door who were intriguing (mostly as they were much older and oozed coolness).  Never would I sit and play pretend tea parties and braid my dolls hair.  Never would I play with mothers make-up.  Never would I parade around the house in her heels (okay, I may have forced my brother to do this, which I found much more enjoyable… Sorry Kosta!).  From a young age, I loved being the boss.  I loved to dance in the backyard beneath the sprinkler.  I loved to help with the outdoor chores, but instead was kindly hissed at by my Yiayia to instead do the ironing or help make greek coffee’s in the kitchen (I absolutely adore my Yiayia, she’s the kindest, strongest woman I know, because she comes from a good place and defends her beliefs… even if they differ to my own)… I never understood why my brother was able to help in the vegetable patch and I had to learn how to make the best brew of greek coffee because “one day I’ll have to make coffee for my mother-in-law,” and god forbid I be anything but perfect at that skill (also assuming I a) get married and b) married to a Greek man).  My grandmother, Yiayia, almost felt as though it was her duty to teach me all her house wife duties, tricks, secrets and kitchen skills as one day it’d define my status as a “wife” (i.e. my ability to make greek coffee and have an elaborate, home-made, dinner ready for my husband to come home from work to). 

From a young age I struggled with all these ideas.  I knew when I was older I’d want to work and not be at home full time.  I knew I wanted to earn my own money and spend it as I wished.  I knew I wanted to travel and see the world.  I knew I wanted to live day-to-day on my terms and schedule and not be over-ruled or held back by someone else.  I wanted to be in charge, my own leading lady.  From young I recognised that each individual was responsible for their own happiness and to not dependent upon external people or factors. 

Having feministic views from as young as five years old, how does one develop these views?  A child as young a five doesn’t know any better so how do they learn to question this?  Is it something people are born with?  Perhaps it were the morals I was raised to have, which I found conflicting on some level… And then further complicated by the outside society as I grew older. 
“Work hard and reap the rewards!” … But not too hard because you’re a girl and have less capacity to do so…
“You have to contribute to a household and do chores,”… But only the inside jobs because the boys do the outside jobs.
“The sky is the limit!” … But you should stay close to home and not travel too far because the world is dangerous for a small female.

“You’re beautiful and in charge of your own body!”… But be careful at the beach, and at night, because there are bad men out there.

This is my rant.  These are my thoughts as a 26 year old female in the 21st century.  Please do not mistaken me, I enjoy tasks in the kitchen, I enjoy cleaning and maintaining a beautiful home, I enjoy making coffee and cooking for loved ones.  But I absolutely refuse to ONLY be good at these skills. 

I would also like to point out that whilst I sit here writing this entry, I have oatmeal chocolate chip cookies in the oven, which I made from scratch… after an 11 hour day at work… and after a 9.5km walk.  Women are not limited by societal standards.  We are strong and deserve equality.

Tonight, my quarantine nickname* is Strong Oatmeal Cookie Dough.

* Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate out of the cupboard

Sending lots of love, from a far,

Strong Oatmeal Cookie Dough x

Brain Nuggets, Tofu & More

23/04/2020 Thursday

Hi there,

My apologies on the time between entries.  I’d like to say I’ve been super-dooper busy doing extremely life-changing stuff, but in all honesty I’ve just not felt like sitting and writing.  I go through phases (like many aspects of my life) where I’m totally into writing and in a super creative mind-frame, but of late I’ve just not felt it.  I have, however, been writing sentences, dot-point and mini paragraphs throughout the days when I’ve had a quirky thought, I’ll do my best to compile and share these throughout this entry. 

Firstly, let me update you on the current COVID-19 situation.  Tasmania has had 8 deaths and over 200 cases.  As each day passes more cases seem to be confirmed.  Doesn’t seem to be slowing for us like the rest of Australia.  The National Cabinet met on Tuesday and announced a scaled re-introduction of elective surgeries from Monday (27th April), which is fantastic news for my work (and sanity), but not so suiting to Tasmania’s (especially the North of Tasmania) current situation.  I don’t foresee elective surgeries getting back to full capacity anytime soon due to the same.  Within my personal life, I’ve had many catch-ups over the phone with interstate friends, I even hosted a Zoom Quiz night which proved to be a great deal of fun!!  I’ve, low key, been obsessed with general knowledge quiz questions, that’s what I’ve been filling my spare time with (apparently, I’ve had a lot more spare time these days).

Now, back to my random brain nuggets that I’ve compiled over the last few days.  It seems to be a list of “KK’s Pro’s/Advantages of Isolation Life”…

1. Smaller loads of washing and less often (although many more dishwasher loads)
2. No one see’s my oily hair, therefore, have to wash it less often (SCORE!  And yes, I swear I shower, but just loath the process of washing and drying my hair, *insert dramatic woe here*)
3. More time to experiment in the kitchen (cooking AND baking… WHO AM I?!)
4. Less anxiety, in general, as my life revolves less around ‘time’ constraints
5. Really improving my quiz/general knowledge and skills
6. More opportunity to get that mid-day Vitamin D!
7. Re-discovering my love for long walks and running!
8. Have time to work on my handstands
9. Finally getting around to those jobs around the house (quotes, leaking taps, faulty light switches etc.)
10. I’m getting much better at caring for my house plants (and my house plant family has GROWN… As in I’ve acquired more plants!)
11. Too much time to contemplate adopting a cat (is this a pro or con?!  SHOULD I ADOPT A CAT?!)
12. Unintentionally saving money 

On this fine, cold, evening my quarantine nickname* is Tired Tofu Pokè Bowl

Starting to see the light,

Tired Tofu Pokè Bowl x

* Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate out of the cupboard

I Am Courageous!

18/04/2020 Saturday

Hi there,

This morning, I thought it was Sunday.  Most days feel somewhat like a Sunday, especially over the last week for me as I’ve been on Annual Leave.  Leading up to this week off, with the current constraints on the places available to visit/walk and who I could see, it made me anxious.  I am proud to say that over this past week, I have been feeling quite relaxed, pleasant, and have experienced minimal feelings of anxiousness.  I’ve maintained a healthy structure, but also scheduled time for myself to simply do whatever I feel at that given/designated time.  Scheduled ‘free time’.  The way I have shaped this has greatly assisted me in relaxing without feeling guilty.  I am proud of this.  Woo!

Over this COVID-19 Isolation period, especially over the last 10days, I have become more courageous.  By this, I mean I have had the courage to be more vulnerable in letting people know exactly how I’m feeling, specifically within the present moment.  For example, “XXX thank you for this walk, this has made me feel very loved and rejuvenated”.  That is a simple example, but you get the picture.  I’ve always found it quite frightening to express what I’m feeling, especially in the moment whilst I’m feeling!  In turn this robs me from developing and evolving as a human and places limitations on relationships and friendships.  It doesn’t allow me to develop the deepest connection possible with any given person.  Over the last week, through regularly practising expressing my present feelings, I’ve never felt so liberated!  I’ve never felt so free, so happy!  By not sharing my feelings, I am only limiting myself.  By expressing my feelings I have nothing to regret, nothing to ponder on after a certain interaction.  I’m one of those people, who at the end of the day go, “Oh I really should have told XXX how that hurt my feelings”, “I really should have told XXX how much I appreciate them and their conversation” etc.  As humans, we like vulnerability.  When someone is vulnerable (expresses feeling, sharing embarrassing stories, sharing common experiences) we are humbled and reminded that we’re the same, we’re all human, we all make mistakes, we all feel, we all love.  Just like any skill, the more we practise something, the better (and easier) it becomes.  I plan to continue this new found vulnerability and I can’t wait to see what relationships and connections are fostered as a result of this.

I return to work Monday.  I also read that the national cabinet are meeting April 21 to consider restarting some electives surgeries.  Woo!  Fingers crossed.  But I also realise the dire situation Tasmania (especially the North/North West) is currently in, and whistle I’m hoping for the best, I know the Tasmanian leadership (within the medical realm especially) will consider all options for what is best for us all.  All in all, I’m excited to dive back into a routine of work, I feel oddly refreshed. 

My currently quarantine nickname* is Relaxed Wrap.

Loving you for afar,

Relaxed Wrap x

Life is Level

15/04/2020 Wednesday

Hi there,

Over the last two days since I wrote you last nothing eventful has occurred.  Nothing dramatic.  Nothing horribly bad.  Nothing amazingly swell.  This is life, yeah?  Those of you that know me, know how dramatic and extravagant I cant be with my gestures and personality, so when life is simply ‘level’ (neither fantastically great nor horrifically bad), I tend to feel like I need to do something outrageous (get a new piercing, get a new tattoo, change jobs, move states, start a new obsessive hobby) in an effort to ‘shake it up’.  Currently, despite life being (beautifully) level, I am enjoying each day!  I am finding joy in each humans interaction, in each encounter with nature, being completely present through my daily motions (eating, cleaning, running etc) and it’s truly grounding. 

The fact that the entire country and world is at, somewhat, of a stand-still removes any inkling of FOMO that I would usually experience when staying home on any given evening/weekend.  I’m beginning to realise that ‘making the most of life’ or ‘making the most of my 20s’ doesn’t have to constantly involve leaving my home, buying boujee cocktails, attending music gigs, going to a winery, and that celebrating doesn’t always have to involve a pub and vino and/or beers.  DISCLAIMER: I definitely MISS all of these things dearly, and definitely do not regret the money I spend doing these activities, but I no longer view them as ‘essential’ to ‘make the most’ of anything.  Honestly, after all this is over and life begins to return to (somewhat) normal (whatever that word means), the things I miss the most are…

1. SITTING in my local cafe and sipping on my Almond Cap (with one sweetener… Yes I’m THAT person) and people watching
2. ATTENDING my early morning gym class and being part of that community on a daily basis

Through this COVID-19 experience, thus far, I’m surprising myself with what I’m finding means the most to me and what contributes most to my personal growth (not vertically, unfortunately… still pocket-size) as it has been in ways I never anticipated.  This is awesome.  It makes me excited to proceed with each day of my life, in a time like this I just never thought those words would be coming out of my mouth.  I also dearly miss all the interactions I have with all the lovely humans I work with, each person brings a different sense of joy, happiness, kindness, spirit and laughter. 

Tonight, my quarantine nickname* is Level Dark Mint Chocolate.

Counting down the days until I can sip a cap IN a cafe,

Level Mint Chocolate x

* Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate out of the cupboard

Beautifully Unhinged

13/04/2020 Monday

Hi there,

So it is Easter Monday, let’s pick up where we left off.  I wrote to you last on Good Friday feeling sad.  Wishing I was with family, or hiking with friends, or exploring a new place somewhere abroad in this precious world.  Today I write to you from the comfort of my sun drenched kitchen (shocker!) feeling incredibly content with my 2020 Easter.  I’ve filled it with walks in the sun with friends (one at a time!), much coffee, lots of Hot Cross Bun baking (and eating), a Kitchen Quiz Night (thanks GT for the cracking questions!), phone calls to family and friends.  It’s been ever so wholesome and I’d have it no other way!

This weekend has lead to a lot of, what I like to call ‘Classic KK Pondering and Catastrophising’… Let me give you a few snippets of the daily thought patterns of KK…

1. *Sitting watching the sky, being present, breathing, feeling great.  See’s a bird*  Hmmm… Imagine if a bird was born with a crippling fear of flying, or terrified of heights!  That’d be a bit unfortunate.  That’d not be ideal.  Poor bird.  That bird would feel so ostracised.  So alone.  Would it walk everywhere?  Would it get eaten?  A cat would probably get them.  Poor bird.
2. *Going for a walk with a friend along Seaport, passing other fellow walkers and greeting them with a “Good morning”*  Hmmm… Why is ‘good morning’ only typically a greeting, and not a departing gesture?  Why is ‘good night’ typically a departing gesture and not a greeting gesture?  In Greek the equivalent to ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ can be used as both a departing and a greeting gesture. 
3. *Walking past a few clothing stores and looking into the windows*  Hmmm… Why is female clothing typically way less functional than male clothing?!  I love having functional pockets, why are female pants always created with non-functional pockets!  This is frustrating!  Subsequently, we’re then forced to purchase handbags to carry the things males would be able to put in their pockets!  *continues rant about society and the patriarchy and societal ‘norms’*

My mind, evidently, is both beautiful and unhinged.  I like to call it ‘beautifully unhinged’ and this isolation period has proven to be ever so tough at times are there are been many more opportunities for my mind to explore and become, just that, beautifully unhinged.  On this topic, I forgot to tell you that I also spent a large majority of my Easter Weekend dancing around my kitchen, lip syncing to old school tunes and sending videos to my friends (lucky them, right?!  Teehee). 

I’ve had all these aspirations to do ‘those’ jobs… You know; wash the outside of my car, instal blinds in my lounge room, plant a veggie patch, pressure wash the outside of my house… have any of these tasks been fully completed?  No… The answer is no… Why?  Honestly, I’m just learning to embrace the day as it unfolds, learning to ‘fly by the seat of ones pants’… Yes this has been challenging, yes it’s made me feel ‘unproductive’ (as I’m usually extremely organised, productive and efficient).  But in times where the world and community is slowing down, I should embrace this and roll with the waves (rather than creating them). 

Tonight, my quarantine nickname* is Wholesome Avocado Wrap.

Yours truly (from afar),

Wholesome Avocado Wrap x

*  Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate out of

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

10/04/2020 Friday

Hi there,

Sitting on my couch, alone, watching ‘Please Like Me’ on Netflix was not what I thought I’d be doing to kick off the Easter long weekend.  At the beginning of the year I had planned to perhaps take some Annual Leave and go away to Bali with some gal pals, or be hiking the Three Capes Track, or be back home in South Australia as Easter is bigger than Christmas for us Greeks (keeping in mind Orthodox Easter is next weekend).  Instead, I have Annual Leave and no where to go (really, we cannot leave our post code).  Which I had decide was fine, I have made a list of things to keep me occupied, jobs around the house to do, finally get a chance to nest in my home.  I don’t cope well with unstructured free time, but I’ve made plans and leading up to this weekend I was excited and ready.  Instead today, whilst the day started great with a much needed catch-up walk/run with a dear friend, I’ve spent the middle of the day feeling, well just a bit sad.  For no particular reason, I’m not entirely sure why I’m experiencing this emotion, but I am sad.  All emotions are valid and it is okay to feel sad, that’s what I’ve kept reminding myself throughout the day.  I went for an early evening walk in an effort to clear my head, as the fresh air always seems to make me feel more grounded. 

I’ve spent the middle of my day watching Netflix and just being.  This is okay.  I am not used to this, but it’s okay.  Tonight I’ve treated myself to some local takeaway and a night-in.  I am precisely where I need to be, I just need to sit here through my discomfort. 

The government has instructed us that this Easter weekend, we are NOT to leave our area of residence.  If you have shacks, you are NOT able to go here, you are NOT able to launch a boat anywhere outside your area of residence.  This make the long-weekend feel just like a normal couple of days, with no work.

On the other hand, the last couple of days have been absolutely delightful!  I really do thrive on a routine, structure and a check list.  Perhaps it’s because it distracts me from my thoughts.  I’ve cooked some delicious, wholesome meals, I’ve been focused on work and courses, I’ve been very active physically.  I’ve phoned and FaceTimed some friends, I’ve cleaned my house top to bottom, I’ve made a list of tasks to do with my upcoming week off.  I guess the moral of today is that we all have great days, mediocre days, and some days we just feel sad.  And this is okay. 

Tomorrow will be better, I know this, mostly because it is MY choice to have a good day!  Mark my word, tomorrow will be better.  And if it isn’t that is also okay.  I’m just lucky to have some people around me to help me through these not-so-great times.  But these times are also critical growth opportunities. 

Currently, my quarantine nickname* is Uncomfortable Dark Chocolate. 

Keep well,

Uncomfortable Dark Chocolate x

* Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate out of the cupboard

Sweet Sweet Balance

07/04/2020 Tuesday

Hi there,

I write to you from a different setting.  Tonight I am not at my kitchen table, I am sitting amongst the warm hustle and bustle of a cafe-by-day and indian-takeout-by-night.  The atmosphere is spicy (pardon the pun), lively and humbling.  To my right is the kitchen where I’m hearing laughs, the chefs communicating in their beautiful native tongue and beeping and popping of machinery as they cook up a flavoursome authentic storm.  To my left is the pick-up point of the takeaway food, I’m observing many smiles and humbled humans as, for some, it may be the first (and only) human interaction they’ve had all day outside their household… and I can’t imagine a more pleasing interaction than the beautiful people here at SweetBrew.  The haunting aroma of indian spices mixed with the faint coffee beans scent, it’s dreamy and making me salivate in my mouth as I sit here!  Mmmmm.  I’m also in absolute awe from the transition of this local business under less than ideal circumstances.  This fantastic brainchild has been born, almost over night, in order to keep workers employed, keep doors open and to continue serving their SweetCommunity.  Great things can be developed due to hard times, this is rock solid evidence.  It is inspiring.      

I’ve had a busy start to the week!  Which has been lovely.  I’ve also being walking/running an average of 10km each day – I’ve never felt my life be so balanced in regards to work, health and self care.  I’ve also never been so productive and well rested, all at the same time.  This event, being COVID-19, has really provided me with the opportunity to stop and re-evaluate my life.  A fresh start almost.  An opportunity to re-prioritise the tasks and things that make-up my life.  And through this busy time, I’ve managed to also help out a local business (who are also fantastic humans and friends) where I can through this arduous time.  However, I feel I am getting more out of this experience than they are.  I am gaining purpose, I am gaining human interaction on a different level and am being stimulated creatively (something I have’t been challenged with in a while)!

On a more upsetting note, Tasmania’s death toll due to COVID-19 is now at three.  Community transmission has occurred on the North West coast and the North West Regional Hospital has closed their doors to ALL visitors and redirecting emergency cases to the Launceston General Hospital (LGH).  This makes me scared for what may be in store for Launceston, however, I am continually pleasantly surprised and proud of the internal efforts the LGH have already made to conquer and be ready for the challenges COVID-19 will bring. 

Tonight, my quarantine nickname* is Balanced Apple.  My friends current quarantine nickname is Hungry Chai.  Soon we will both be Balance Indian Curry and Full Indian Curry

Keeping safe (from afar),

Balanced Apple x

* Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate out of the cupboard

Finally Becoming More Intuitive

05/04/2020 Sunday

Hi there,

I write to you whilst sitting beneath the suns mid afternoon beams.  I am feeling so calm, so rejuvenated, so soulful.  I know, I know, I’ve been throwing around the word ‘soulful’ a lot in my diary of late, but it’s the most accurate description for how I’m feeling.  I’ve been reconnecting with many friends through this time, whether it be via FaceTime, sending videos to each other, or going for a walk one on one (whilst maintaining our 1.5m distancing).  The fact that you can only physically go for a walk with one other person is actually very special.  It gives you the opportunity to really focus all your energy on connecting with that one other special human.  I honestly don’t remember the last time I actually, really, connected with another person.  Sure I often see friends and people in passing and go through the motions of “Hey, how are you?”, but that is NOT connecting.  In fact, it is artificial, lazy, non-meaningful and honestly makes life feel “cluttered”.  I just feel like I’ve given my life, metaphorically and physically, a ‘spring clean’.  My mind is ‘cleaner’, the activities I’ve been filling my time with are ‘cleaner’, the way I’m thinking about my life and body is ‘cleaner’.  I feel as though every facet of my life has been cleansed. 

I’ve had a delightfully, uplifting, rejuvenating weekend.  And yes, it has been raining for a large chunk of the weekend.  Normally, I am someone that dislikes the rain, because I’m so rigid and focussed on getting “things” done; going for a run, going for a walk with friends, being outside, running errands, hanging washing out, getting the ‘stuff’ done on my to-do list, and I see rain as hindering my abilities to be productive.  Which leaves me feeling defeated and like a failure.  However, this weekend I have changed my view on the ‘rain’.  The COVID-19 isolation is forcing me to ‘relax’… now that the shock around isolation and quarantine has worn off.  I made a realisation, that I can either;

a) View isolation as inconvenient, sad and continue to feel anxious and dwell, or

b) I can accept it (as this is what needs to happen) and learn to embrace it. 

I’ve chosen b).  SO this weekend I connected with a friend over a takeaway coffee in the morning, I went and got some tools and fittings to do those jobs around my house that have been lingering since I purchased my home in October, I went for a hilly run, then went for a walk with another friend.  I then spent the evening helping out one of our beautiful local cafes doing their takeaway deliveries.  I’ve never felt so purposeful and alive!  This morning I woke up and it was raining, but NOT TO WORRY, the fire was on and home made brunch created using all local business produce.  Then once the rain had cleared I went for a walk with an old work friend, this was beautiful and exactly what I needed.  This reconnecting is beginning to be one of my favourite hobbies.  I then returned home, with nothing specific to do!  Normally, this makes me quite antsy and anxious, I HATE never having anything ‘planned’.  I found myself on my front porch patting and playing with the local neighbourhood cat, which I’ve named Sabrina.  She’s a sophisticated white and black petite cat, with an ever so affectionate meow.  And now, I find myself sitting writing in my kitchen beneath the suns rays, oversized jumper in-situ, hair swept up into a messy bun.  I have never been so good at being intuitive and present and actually doing what I desire to do at a given moment.  I feel so alive, free and restored. 

To re-cap on my current emotions as a millennial during the COVID-19 pandemic; I’ve never felt so at peace within myself, I’m allowing myself to be more intuitive with my actions and I’m improving my ability to be present.  I feel like I’m becoming a more kind person in general, not that I’d have described myself as cruel of unkind perviously… I consider myself extremely caring and kind, to others.  But to myself, however, this has not been the case and I finally feel as though I’m making progress to honour my body, my thoughts and myself as a human.  And it feels beautiful. 

Currently, my quarantine nickname* is Rejuvenated Bliss Ball

Keep smiling,

Rejuvenated Bliss Ball

P.s. Shout-out to you Jenny (if you’re reading, which I know you are).  You’re beautiful, thanks for the kind words today!

* Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate out of the cupboard